Bittersweet Memories

Hey y’all!

I hope everyone is staying home and staying healthy in the midst of this current situation.

With all of this extra time on my hands, I have had a lot of opportunities to contemplate things. This afternoon I went down memory lane and was struck with this bittersweet feeling when reminiscing about my childhood and my homeschooling days. I wrote down a few of my thoughts and came up with this—

 

A lot can happen over the span of five years. I don’t think we always realize just how many people come in and out of our lives. I also don’t think we realize how much of an impact these people truly had until they’re gone. People, things, and places that used to be your entire universe are easily transformed into a distant bittersweet memory that you reminisce on every few years. When I reflect on these memories, it saddens me, because I was so ignorant to how quickly things can change and how quickly I can forget them.

One of my many (many) flaws is that I easily get caught up in the moment. I’ll be ecstatic about what I’m going to do in an hour, that night, tomorrow, and my plans years down the road.  I’ll get entirely focused in on the next new and exciting thing that I completely miss out on the relationships and experiences right in front of me. I find myself taking the simple things for granted, and only when those chapters are closed am I capable of realizing how much they meant to me and how much I’d give to turn the pages back for a few moments.

I’ve thought about ways to avoid the heart dropping feeling when my mind wanders to the beautiful souls who stopped in momentarily to write a couple chapters in my life. No matter how sweet or bitter the words they left behind were, they still became a part of the story of my life and play a role in molding me into the person that I am today. The truth of the matter is that no matter how much we immerse ourselves in the present, we will always feel a pang in our chests when we remember the best memories from our past. That’s how we know a memory is a good one. However depressing or hopeless this may sound, I find great peace in this conclusion, because I know that the good memories with the people who were once our constants, only spark sadness, because of the weight of joy and love that they contained. The best memories make us sad, because they have the capacity to contain an emotion that we’re able to tap back into years down the road. That is the power that we have in each other’s lives.

With that being said, I realized that while living in the moment and being one hundred percent present is incapable of taking away the sadness of an old memory, it does have the ability to take away regret.

-Mei

Someday

||Sometimes you leak into my daydreams

Sometimes your absence is deafening

Sometimes I’m consumed by the guilt

Sometimes I scream inside my own mind

Sometimes I run till I can’t breathe

Sometimes that makes the pain go away

Sometimes I allow the tears to leak out

Someday I’ll heal||

-Mei

Broken Dolls

//written 3.3.20//

||Broken dolls

with broken hearts

they’re tearing at the seams,

 

Chipped and rusty

hair in knots

they’re low in self esteem

 

Tear-stained porcelain

eyes glossed over

their gears refuse to run

 

So without a place

to call their home

they’re chosen by no one

 

Broken dolls

with broken hearts

they shatter to the ground

 

But no one ever noticed them

their absence

or their sound||

-Mei

Ink

||I’ve been jealous of ink

And paper,

Grooves and dashes

That articulated my world,

Half blotted out

Warped and creased,

Those pages

Crowded with something

That resembled cursive,

were fully

Able to love you,

And I was envious

Of those words

Because unlike them

I couldn’t reach past

the barrier of ink and paper

To you love you again||

-Mei

Memories

//written 1.18.20//

||It was distant.

So far fetched

And hazy that

I wasn’t quite

Convinced of its’

Certain existence.

But no matter

How loosely the

Delicate stitches of it’s reality

Were sewn

Into my mind,

I chose to believe.

I chose rather to

Convince myself of its’

Being than to trust

In its’ absence,

Because in this broken

Botched up universe,

I’d like to accept the

Version of life where

Something so sweet

And innocent was

Mine to hold

Even if it wasn’t true

In the end. ||

-Mei

Words

//written 2.6.20//

||But what use are words

If not to touch the heart.

If not to place a burn an ache

In one’s deepest depth of their soul.

A desire that thirsts for

Something that even

The poet can not comprehend.

What use are words

If not to heal to mend

The broken pieces that

Clutter the crippled mind.

What use are words

If not to contain every single

Memory flooded with

Tears that turned into laughter

And every beautiful soul

That drifted through

The shifting seasons of life.

What use are words

If not to capture

The surreal moments

unjustified by photographs

That couldn’t quite explain

Every minute detail…

The taste of the emotion

And the way the wind carried

The scent of that exact

Fall afternoon.

What use are words

If they’re left unsaid

Un penned

Trapped and confined

A beautiful thought

That flickered only in our mind.||

-Mei

Song

The Inspiration:

Image result for I don't know anything John mark pantana
“I Don’t Know Anything”
By John Mark Pantana

||Oh, would you be my song

Be my melody

Putting my soul into a trance

To your gentle hum.

Oh, would you be my song

Be my melody

Sing me the words

That my heart desires.

Oh, would you be my song

Be my melody

Teach me to dance

To the rhythm of your soul.

Oh, would you be my song

Be my melody

Play in my head

In an endless repetition.

Oh, would you be my song

Be my melody

The one I wake to in the morning

And then one I sleep with at night.

Oh, won’t you be my song.||

 

[I know there are countless numbers of love poems in the world but I think they will always and forever be the purest form of expressing one’s deepest and rawest emotions]

-Mei

2019

I’ve never been a big fan of sugar coating; engaging in the con of disguising certain things to appear better than they seem. I’ve always felt it to be a lie that’s been manufactured solely for the sake of appealing to an individual’s better nature. However, I am convinced that sugar coating and possessing a positive outlook on negative circumstances have a strong distinction.

So. 2019. I’m not going to beat the bush. Everyone’s certainly done enough of that already. I’d like to be as raw and real as I possibly can for this moment, because whether we like it or not, when we finally close our bedroom doors at night…when we finally take that deep breath apart from life’s many distractions, we are forced to view not only ourselves but also our lives as they truly are and not as we’d like to present them to be for others’ sake. So, if I’m completely honest…This year gave Murphy’s Law a whole new definition. Things that I was convinced couldn’t possibly happen happened. Pain that I never thought I or anyone close to me would ever have to experience seemed to momentarily impair our ability to see beyond. Yet, amid everything, I’ve felt like I’ve been walking through life further and further into a daze. I’ve felt a roller coaster of emotions very deeply during these past few months, but they don’t seem to have quite a lasting impact on me as they used to. Almost like a numbing effect that allows certain sensations (good and bad) to wear off quicker and quicker.

I’ve always been told that no matter how hard or how impossible the present situation appears to be, that things will somehow get better. I’ve also convinced myself that this is a “transition season” of my life, because that would give a rational explanation to why these things have happened. However, this “season” has been going on for a while now and I’ve finally allowed myself to acknowledge that I’m so drained. I know we need to experience hardships to grow and improve, but I feel like the improvement part has been prolonged for a while now. Call me crazy, but I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that way either. I guess what I’ve concluded is that there has never been a “transition season.” That has been the biggest misconception of all, because all there’s ever been and ever will be is life, and life will always contain hardships that we won’t always be able to avoid. And you know what? It’s okay. In a world where we’re able to control practically everything at any given moment, it can be terrifying when certain circumstances slip out of our range of control. See, growth and strength don’t lie in our ability to foresee situations and prepare for them…Those things are found in the very depths of our weakest points where the notion of giving up and allowing ourselves to wallow in self pity are the only sounds we can hear. And when we reach that lowest point of ourselves, we make that conscious choice to continue to live. And not just living merely to exist, but truly living. Acknowledging every single un-ending struggle while simultaneously allowing ourselves to capture every single memory that seems too good to be true. Memories that you know you’ll look back on for the rest of your life while you’re still making them…While you’re still tangled up in every one of the senses that constructed the sweet smelling air, the way the breeze was just right, the way the music seemed to make us forget every worry, the way the sunset reflected like a watercolor in the rear view mirror.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we won’t ever reach that one point where everything falls into place exactly when we would like them to. I know it seems like other people have experienced that fulfilling peak of life, but I’m here to tell you that no matter how good it appears to be, there is always a battle beyond the very deepest layer of our lives. I’m aware of how pessimistic that may seem, but I’d simply like to ease our minds of the notion that we will one day reach perfection or that that specific euphoria is achievable in the first place. And like I said before…It’s okay. We weren’t created to attain perfection so why are we living as if we were?

I know a lot of bad things have happened this year. I know there have been days that never seemed to end and nights that seemed to outlast the day. I know we’ve experienced indescribable pain and have cried until we couldn’t physically do so anymore. I know this world has lost so many beautiful people and that their absence in our hearts has been deafening. I know that we have experienced changes in life that have thrown us for a drastic loop. I know that those changes have hurt and that we’re still waiting for the good to present itself. I know that we’ve been waiting for so long…Praying, hoping, and believing that there is some ounce of goodness for us around the corner. And I’m willing to believe that somehow, there is. We may not be able to see even the beginnings of such, but I’d rather chose to believe in its’ possible existence than settle with what is now.

To be completely vulnerable, I haven’t been exactly proud of who I’ve become through this year. I’m not proud of the hurtful things I’ve said, or the things I’ve done that have gone against my morals. I’m not exactly pleased with how I’ve chosen to cope, or how I’ve allowed myself to give into self-pity countless times. In my striving to be a loving daughter, sister, and friend as well as a moral and spiritual leader, I had forgotten myself in the process. See, I didn’t realize how easy it was to focus so much on becoming something for the sake of others that I lose sight of my relationship with God as well as my own needs that I leave un-tended until I’m unable to be an aid to anyone. Without a steady reliance on God, we begin to rely on our own strength and yet we’re still surprised when we reach that unavoidable point of exhaustion. I’ve learned that lesson countless times, but I’ve been able to find my peace in the fact that

“the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:22-23

What’s more is that we don’t have to be ashamed of who we become at our lowest point. That doesn’t mean that we should be satisfied with the place we’re at, rather we should continue to push for improvement with the knowledge that if we fail, our value won’t fluctuate the least bit. You know why? It’s because our worth isn’t reliant on our ability to comply to rules. If that were the case, salvation and faith would lose its’ purpose. No…Our worth is sewn into the very depths of our being. Set far apart from works. Our worth was set in stone before conception…before we possessed the ability to even acknowledge our existence and it has stayed the same ever since. So, no matter how much you think you mess up, or no matter how many times you must re-learn the same lesson, you are still redeemed, and you are still just as priceless to the Father.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

So, it appears that this is what I have concluded from this past year. No matter what happens with each passing year, I’ve found that I can always bring it back to my Savior. With as much as I’ve tried to understand the complexities of life and why certain things must happen, I’ve never been able to fully come to a logical explanation. I guess that’s why they call it faith. Hard times will always be ahead of us, but it’s important to realize that God has already taken care of those things. He’s already walking us through whatever pain lies in the future and He’s walking us through our present struggles as well.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

So, 2019. I sure as heck won’t miss you one bit. But I’m also beyond thankful for you. Thank you for the good times, the laughter, the tears, the good music, and even better food. I’ve made so many amazing memories that have seemed to come straight out of a movie. Although, I have it from a good source that those surreal scenes that happen in movies are inspired by real moments that occur every day across the world. Moments that push past the lines of reality and cause us to question their existence for one second only for us to realize their authenticity. Anyway…Thank you for everything (even the hardships). 2020, let’s not repeat this year lol.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:7

 

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the grand council (minus lex lol)

 

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my sissy

 

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my ride or die: ed sheeran

 

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my sweet momma

 

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the one and only ooey

 

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the dad joke expert

 

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my gorls

 

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manske roll 🙂

 

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hoco 2019 ft. the fam

 

There’s so many others that I’ve missed, but most of my pictures are on my other laptop lol…

Here’s to the good times y’all :)))

-Mei

Authenticity

//written 4.30.19//

||In a world of fleeting glimpses of hope

Jaded by falsely placed optimism,

The few true creators:

Artists of authenticity,

Cling to the lasting bits

Of corroding hope.

Timeless in nature

And boasting of its’ ageless beauty

This relic of years past

Entangles itself into the facets of our present culture

So intricately woven

And delicately placed

That many a man will overlook

But the few…

The last of the authors

Aching to capture the beauty of

The sun, the moon, and the stars

with simple words

Laced delicately amidst metaphorical truths

Take notice.

Perhaps but a blurred glimpse

so undeniably insignificant

A moment trapped by the confines of one’s passing memory

Yet with every recognition,

Each acknowledgement of its existence,

Stirs the hope of believers

searching for a world saturated

With authenticity.

In an endless cycle

The universal truth of originality holds true

Because as time has taught us,

This world will always search desperately for the beauty

Of the souls who dare to chase the yearnings of their heart||

-Mei