||Fading to a dream
Memories of you and I
Now just history||
-Mei
Bittersweet Memories
Hey y’all!
I hope everyone is staying home and staying healthy in the midst of this current situation.
With all of this extra time on my hands, I have had a lot of opportunities to contemplate things. This afternoon I went down memory lane and was struck with this bittersweet feeling when reminiscing about my childhood and my homeschooling days. I wrote down a few of my thoughts and came up with this—
A lot can happen over the span of five years. I don’t think we always realize just how many people come in and out of our lives. I also don’t think we realize how much of an impact these people truly had until they’re gone. People, things, and places that used to be your entire universe are easily transformed into a distant bittersweet memory that you reminisce on every few years. When I reflect on these memories, it saddens me, because I was so ignorant to how quickly things can change and how quickly I can forget them.
One of my many (many) flaws is that I easily get caught up in the moment. I’ll be ecstatic about what I’m going to do in an hour, that night, tomorrow, and my plans years down the road. I’ll get entirely focused in on the next new and exciting thing that I completely miss out on the relationships and experiences right in front of me. I find myself taking the simple things for granted, and only when those chapters are closed am I capable of realizing how much they meant to me and how much I’d give to turn the pages back for a few moments.
I’ve thought about ways to avoid the heart dropping feeling when my mind wanders to the beautiful souls who stopped in momentarily to write a couple chapters in my life. No matter how sweet or bitter the words they left behind were, they still became a part of the story of my life and play a role in molding me into the person that I am today. The truth of the matter is that no matter how much we immerse ourselves in the present, we will always feel a pang in our chests when we remember the best memories from our past. That’s how we know a memory is a good one. However depressing or hopeless this may sound, I find great peace in this conclusion, because I know that the good memories with the people who were once our constants, only spark sadness, because of the weight of joy and love that they contained. The best memories make us sad, because they have the capacity to contain an emotion that we’re able to tap back into years down the road. That is the power that we have in each other’s lives.
With that being said, I realized that while living in the moment and being one hundred percent present is incapable of taking away the sadness of an old memory, it does have the ability to take away regret.
-Mei
Broken Dolls
//written 3.3.20//
||Broken dolls
with broken hearts
they’re tearing at the seams,
Chipped and rusty
hair in knots
they’re low in self esteem
Tear-stained porcelain
eyes glossed over
their gears refuse to run
So without a place
to call their home
they’re chosen by no one
Broken dolls
with broken hearts
they shatter to the ground
But no one ever noticed them
their absence
or their sound||
-Mei
Ink
||I’ve been jealous of ink
And paper,
Grooves and dashes
That articulated my world,
Half blotted out
Warped and creased,
Those pages
Crowded with something
That resembled cursive,
were fully
Able to love you,
And I was envious
Of those words
Because unlike them
I couldn’t reach past
the barrier of ink and paper
To you love you again||
-Mei
Memories
//written 1.18.20//
||It was distant.
So far fetched
And hazy that
I wasn’t quite
Convinced of its’
Certain existence.
But no matter
How loosely the
Delicate stitches of it’s reality
Were sewn
Into my mind,
I chose to believe.
I chose rather to
Convince myself of its’
Being than to trust
In its’ absence,
Because in this broken
Botched up universe,
I’d like to accept the
Version of life where
Something so sweet
And innocent was
Mine to hold
Even if it wasn’t true
In the end. ||
-Mei
Words
//written 2.6.20//
||But what use are words
If not to touch the heart.
If not to place a burn an ache
In one’s deepest depth of their soul.
A desire that thirsts for
Something that even
The poet can not comprehend.
What use are words
If not to heal to mend
The broken pieces that
Clutter the crippled mind.
What use are words
If not to contain every single
Memory flooded with
Tears that turned into laughter
And every beautiful soul
That drifted through
The shifting seasons of life.
What use are words
If not to capture
The surreal moments
unjustified by photographs
That couldn’t quite explain
Every minute detail…
The taste of the emotion
And the way the wind carried
The scent of that exact
Fall afternoon.
What use are words
If they’re left unsaid
Un penned
Trapped and confined
A beautiful thought
That flickered only in our mind.||
-Mei
Song
The Inspiration:
By John Mark Pantana
||Oh, would you be my song
Be my melody
Putting my soul into a trance
To your gentle hum.
Oh, would you be my song
Be my melody
Sing me the words
That my heart desires.
Oh, would you be my song
Be my melody
Teach me to dance
To the rhythm of your soul.
Oh, would you be my song
Be my melody
Play in my head
In an endless repetition.
Oh, would you be my song
Be my melody
The one I wake to in the morning
And then one I sleep with at night.
Oh, won’t you be my song.||
[I know there are countless numbers of love poems in the world but I think they will always and forever be the purest form of expressing one’s deepest and rawest emotions]
-Mei
2019
I’ve never been a big fan of sugar coating; engaging in the con of disguising certain things to appear better than they seem. I’ve always felt it to be a lie that’s been manufactured solely for the sake of appealing to an individual’s better nature. However, I am convinced that sugar coating and possessing a positive outlook on negative circumstances have a strong distinction.
So. 2019. I’m not going to beat the bush. Everyone’s certainly done enough of that already. I’d like to be as raw and real as I possibly can for this moment, because whether we like it or not, when we finally close our bedroom doors at night…when we finally take that deep breath apart from life’s many distractions, we are forced to view not only ourselves but also our lives as they truly are and not as we’d like to present them to be for others’ sake. So, if I’m completely honest…This year gave Murphy’s Law a whole new definition. Things that I was convinced couldn’t possibly happen happened. Pain that I never thought I or anyone close to me would ever have to experience seemed to momentarily impair our ability to see beyond. Yet, amid everything, I’ve felt like I’ve been walking through life further and further into a daze. I’ve felt a roller coaster of emotions very deeply during these past few months, but they don’t seem to have quite a lasting impact on me as they used to. Almost like a numbing effect that allows certain sensations (good and bad) to wear off quicker and quicker.
I’ve always been told that no matter how hard or how impossible the present situation appears to be, that things will somehow get better. I’ve also convinced myself that this is a “transition season” of my life, because that would give a rational explanation to why these things have happened. However, this “season” has been going on for a while now and I’ve finally allowed myself to acknowledge that I’m so drained. I know we need to experience hardships to grow and improve, but I feel like the improvement part has been prolonged for a while now. Call me crazy, but I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that way either. I guess what I’ve concluded is that there has never been a “transition season.” That has been the biggest misconception of all, because all there’s ever been and ever will be is life, and life will always contain hardships that we won’t always be able to avoid. And you know what? It’s okay. In a world where we’re able to control practically everything at any given moment, it can be terrifying when certain circumstances slip out of our range of control. See, growth and strength don’t lie in our ability to foresee situations and prepare for them…Those things are found in the very depths of our weakest points where the notion of giving up and allowing ourselves to wallow in self pity are the only sounds we can hear. And when we reach that lowest point of ourselves, we make that conscious choice to continue to live. And not just living merely to exist, but truly living. Acknowledging every single un-ending struggle while simultaneously allowing ourselves to capture every single memory that seems too good to be true. Memories that you know you’ll look back on for the rest of your life while you’re still making them…While you’re still tangled up in every one of the senses that constructed the sweet smelling air, the way the breeze was just right, the way the music seemed to make us forget every worry, the way the sunset reflected like a watercolor in the rear view mirror.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we won’t ever reach that one point where everything falls into place exactly when we would like them to. I know it seems like other people have experienced that fulfilling peak of life, but I’m here to tell you that no matter how good it appears to be, there is always a battle beyond the very deepest layer of our lives. I’m aware of how pessimistic that may seem, but I’d simply like to ease our minds of the notion that we will one day reach perfection or that that specific euphoria is achievable in the first place. And like I said before…It’s okay. We weren’t created to attain perfection so why are we living as if we were?
I know a lot of bad things have happened this year. I know there have been days that never seemed to end and nights that seemed to outlast the day. I know we’ve experienced indescribable pain and have cried until we couldn’t physically do so anymore. I know this world has lost so many beautiful people and that their absence in our hearts has been deafening. I know that we have experienced changes in life that have thrown us for a drastic loop. I know that those changes have hurt and that we’re still waiting for the good to present itself. I know that we’ve been waiting for so long…Praying, hoping, and believing that there is some ounce of goodness for us around the corner. And I’m willing to believe that somehow, there is. We may not be able to see even the beginnings of such, but I’d rather chose to believe in its’ possible existence than settle with what is now.
To be completely vulnerable, I haven’t been exactly proud of who I’ve become through this year. I’m not proud of the hurtful things I’ve said, or the things I’ve done that have gone against my morals. I’m not exactly pleased with how I’ve chosen to cope, or how I’ve allowed myself to give into self-pity countless times. In my striving to be a loving daughter, sister, and friend as well as a moral and spiritual leader, I had forgotten myself in the process. See, I didn’t realize how easy it was to focus so much on becoming something for the sake of others that I lose sight of my relationship with God as well as my own needs that I leave un-tended until I’m unable to be an aid to anyone. Without a steady reliance on God, we begin to rely on our own strength and yet we’re still surprised when we reach that unavoidable point of exhaustion. I’ve learned that lesson countless times, but I’ve been able to find my peace in the fact that
“the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:22-23
What’s more is that we don’t have to be ashamed of who we become at our lowest point. That doesn’t mean that we should be satisfied with the place we’re at, rather we should continue to push for improvement with the knowledge that if we fail, our value won’t fluctuate the least bit. You know why? It’s because our worth isn’t reliant on our ability to comply to rules. If that were the case, salvation and faith would lose its’ purpose. No…Our worth is sewn into the very depths of our being. Set far apart from works. Our worth was set in stone before conception…before we possessed the ability to even acknowledge our existence and it has stayed the same ever since. So, no matter how much you think you mess up, or no matter how many times you must re-learn the same lesson, you are still redeemed, and you are still just as priceless to the Father.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
So, it appears that this is what I have concluded from this past year. No matter what happens with each passing year, I’ve found that I can always bring it back to my Savior. With as much as I’ve tried to understand the complexities of life and why certain things must happen, I’ve never been able to fully come to a logical explanation. I guess that’s why they call it faith. Hard times will always be ahead of us, but it’s important to realize that God has already taken care of those things. He’s already walking us through whatever pain lies in the future and He’s walking us through our present struggles as well.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8
So, 2019. I sure as heck won’t miss you one bit. But I’m also beyond thankful for you. Thank you for the good times, the laughter, the tears, the good music, and even better food. I’ve made so many amazing memories that have seemed to come straight out of a movie. Although, I have it from a good source that those surreal scenes that happen in movies are inspired by real moments that occur every day across the world. Moments that push past the lines of reality and cause us to question their existence for one second only for us to realize their authenticity. Anyway…Thank you for everything (even the hardships). 2020, let’s not repeat this year lol.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:7
There’s so many others that I’ve missed, but most of my pictures are on my other laptop lol…
Here’s to the good times y’all :)))
-Mei
Authenticity
//written 4.30.19//
||In a world of fleeting glimpses of hope
Jaded by falsely placed optimism,
The few true creators:
Artists of authenticity,
Cling to the lasting bits
Of corroding hope.
Timeless in nature
And boasting of its’ ageless beauty
This relic of years past
Entangles itself into the facets of our present culture
So intricately woven
And delicately placed
That many a man will overlook
But the few…
The last of the authors
Aching to capture the beauty of
The sun, the moon, and the stars
with simple words
Laced delicately amidst metaphorical truths
Take notice.
Perhaps but a blurred glimpse
so undeniably insignificant
A moment trapped by the confines of one’s passing memory
Yet with every recognition,
Each acknowledgement of its existence,
Stirs the hope of believers
searching for a world saturated
With authenticity.
In an endless cycle
The universal truth of originality holds true
Because as time has taught us,
This world will always search desperately for the beauty
Of the souls who dare to chase the yearnings of their heart||
-Mei
Splinters
//written 7.6.19//
||And like a fool
I loved you again.
In every memory of us,
frozen, engraved
in the rhythm of my heart.
With every word you painted,
I longed to see the picture
oblivious to your intentions
of never completing
what you had begun,
leaving me with a gallery
of half-finished masterpieces.
And yet,
again, and again
I handed you my hope.
You never asked for it
You never wanted it
But there you remained
holding the weight of my trust…
so seemingly un-bearable
that you let it drop.
It shattered
sinking splinters deep within
my bloodied fingers
as I scrambled to piece
the shards back together.
I repeated this motion
like a toxic dance
burned into every
muscle of my body
refusing me my freedom,
I screamed with every
sick motion.
You had pulled us further
and further
into each other’s souls
Fully aware that if you
were to pull away,
you would rip every stitch
holding our hearts in place.
But I paid little attention
to that possibility.
So,
when we forced ourselves apart,
You ripped out a piece of my soul,
and all I did
was watch.
I let you take it.
And like a fool,
I let you take more of my being
piece by piece.
In every memory saturated
with you,
I let in
every kiss
every promise,
letting each one sink
in my skin,
marring my heart
once more. ||
-Mei
